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Happy birthday, lady estella!
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Have you ever read someone's private writings (journal, diary, email, letters, etc.) without their permission?
Uh, isn't that what these sites are for? :P

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I feel so low right now.

My entire life, I was never good enough.  I've always been the designated 'loser' at school, even when I fought back I was still a loser.  Yes, I graduated from college a few weeks ago, but 10 years of mockery tends to stick to you.
I'm not good enough for God.
I'm not good enough to be a demonologist, apparently.  If I were, most say (as in, other demonologists)God would have thrown clergy at me by now.  Like I'm just to sit by and wait? I realize how silly that sounds, but I feel like if I don't have that much I have nothing.  I lose a sense of identity.  They make me feel like a joke.  Another wannabe that thinks it's a glamorous job or hobby.

I've been the joke all my life.

My boyfriend seems to feel that anyone with a short stature is somehow less valuable and able than a big, 'strong' person, in an evolutionary sense.  I'm 4'11 and he is 6'4.   I figure it's his insecrurity, but it is still demeaning not to mention infuriating.

I feel like nothing.

I just want to be great at something.

Or maybe I'm just crazy.  Maybe I should be in a padded cell.
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...I'd have the Chevy Nova.

Fibromyalgia bites.  I go to the bathroom once every half hour.  To make things worse, I've been getting dry mouth alot, so either I get a headache and be thirsty all the time, or I stay near a bathroom and urinate all the time.  I'm not sure if it's the heat of summer or what that is causes these symptoms.  I have a doctor's appointment in June, so I hopefully can sort it out there if it continues.  I just have no health insurance.  I have a prescription for Lyrica, but it's $100 bucks for a 30-day supply so I only take it when I deem it most necessary.  And I, being all stubborn, take one every month and a half or so.  I also have random bouts of nausea that I never see coming until 5 minutes before I throw up.  This on top of the pain, dizziness, and occassional insomnia....


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I simply want to make a note of this: Last night I had a dream that me and Joe got married at the Vatican. Wow.  I received a ring with a red gem of sorts on it from the clergy, Joe received one with a green one.  There were hundreds of people, too.
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Do you ever have recurring dreams? If so, are they good dreams or nightmares?
Yes, alot. I dream every night.  I have dreams that come true as future events (nothing spectacular, though.  Just little, personal things).

One that always un-nerves me is the one where I am travelling alone, without my boyfriend of six years.  We've hit a bit of a rough patch recently, but these dreams have ocurred and recurred well before that.  I always reach my destination. 
Another one is where I am completely unprepared for some spectacular, ultra elaborate play, but I always pull it off near perfectly.

Makes me wonder if our subconscious minds are attatched to something much bigger than ourselves.
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I had a dream of sorts last night. More of an experience, really.  I have lucid dreams on a regular basis, but this one has definitely gotten my attention.

My grandparents on my father's side (may they rest in peace) were alive and well, and my grandpa had built a museum  of world wars.  There were fighter planes, tanks, and everything else.  Then there was a section of World War 3 that was empty.


Then I and my brother (who is in the military and soon to be deployed) sat down to talk with them.  They were happy enough with me, but were worried about my brother.  For some reason my grandfather got shot or something in the left hand, but thought little of it. I'm not sure what that could have meant, if anything.

Then I was running with a bunch of people who were walking.  I was supposed to be walking, and was told to.  Apparently I need to slow down a bit.  I've been worried alot recently about how I am to become a religious demonologist and started a search.  I prayed for God to show me before I went to bed last night.  Too soon, obviously.  Thing is, I got a really abrasive feeling from the other people. They just didn't seem to be...right. So I could be wrong.

I also seem to have a reoccurring theme of traveling alone.  I'm not sure what to make of it, besides that I am going to somewhere alone.  That concerns me because of my long term relationship with Joe.

Then I woke up with a bloody nose. -_-;

I've had prophetic dreams before (nothing major, though), but I honestly can say that this dream rattled me a bit.


Which reminds of me another dream that stood out.  I saw a demon seemingly killing a person.  I walked up to it and the  word 'demonologist' appeared above the demon, directed at me.

I thought just occurred to me: We live in a world that is expanding the definition of right and narrowing the definition of what is wrong.

I know this is random and I'm being scatter-brained, bear with me.

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Why do we try to explain God with natural law?  Since things that are supernatural(above natural law) happen, wouldn't it be reasonable to say that God is ABOVE nature itself?  So why do we keep trying to apply it to Him (or Her, although I believe God transcends our notions of gender)? God is not  nature, God made nature. That is not an unreasonable conclusion.

He is outside our grasp, clearly. At least as long as we stay within confines of laws that only apply to us and what we see (and our sight is already proven insufficient for seeing everything that exists).

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I finally have time to sit and write.  I also finally figured it would be best to let it out at this point.

I hate 'The Haunting in Connecticut'. Not as a movie, but as a means of distorting facts and twisting truths for the sake of money.  I know that case. I've seen the documentary, I've read the book. Now the author is coming out and saying the family lied (21 years AFTER the book was released, but enough time to allow for a motion picture to be made).  How convenient. Smearing not only the family's names, but the investigators involved as well. Does anyone think to ask the 3 priests involved though? Of course not.  The author has a very loud bias and prejudice against religion.  Now the family will suffer the consequences of allowing their story to be told.  What Ray said in the article was at odds with not only what he said in the book that HE wrote, but also at odds with the testimony of the family.  He, of course, explains this by implying that Mr. Warren bullied him into 'making it scary.'

He also smears the Warrens. While I agree that some of their conclusions and tactics are sketchy, why would they dedicate over 30 years of their lives a something they knew was a lie? Mr. Warren has passed on since the case, and Mr. Garton still insists on mud slingling.

The facts are going to be lost now, Mr. Garton.  Another Amityville.  Another family victimized for public consumption.

That is why you don't find many cases. Fear of greedy, ignorant people who haven't the slightest idea what they're talking about.  People who feel it's okay to have people openly mocked for their experiences that may very well be real. Rationality is quickly giving way to denial.  You can't explain SUPERnatural phenomena with NATURAL law because it is, by definition, above natural law.  People who have these experiences should not be fearful when they reach out for help.


I have nothing to prove.  I'm not one of these wannabe 'ghost hunters' that feel the need to prove that these things exist. There are always going to be doubters, and a reasonable amount of skepticism is a good tool. But I know they exist.  And I don't care if you don't, but be sure to keep out of my way, then. These people that find themselves in a fight with the supernatural need help, not proof. Confirmation is only one step.  The investigators can leave, the individuals may not be so fortunate, so you have to offer a solution.
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Why does everyone want my beliefs to be lies?
Why does everyone want me to be crazy?
Why is the only perspective gone unquestioned is that of the atheist?
Why do I feel so alone?

The world is going to hell and everyone is abandoning God like a bunch of teenagers that want their 'independence.'

Why do I have to be such a freak? Would anyone else be equipped to deal with it?

Why does everyone lie and fake and steal and manipulate?

Why does no one care?

I refuse to submit to their doctrine of cynicism.

It doesn't stop me from feeling like scum, though.

What is the truth?

Everything is coming undone...

Overthrown, yet not alone...

Am I?

I suppose it wouldn't matter. I'm alive.
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